New Dad

How men navigate the passage to parenthood

Dan Bortolotti

Steve English admits to having been nervous before his daughter, Pascale, was born in February. “I was terrified at the prenatal class when I had to pick up a doll,” says the first-time dad from Toronto. “I was thinking, ‘I’m going to drop this’ or ‘I’m not going to remember to support the head.’”

It’s a common fear for many men who are approaching this major milestone in their lives. Am I going to be any good at this? Can I handle the responsibility? And am I ever going to get my life back? While it often takes men a little longer to slip into the role of involved parent, the rewards are enormous. Here’s how you can ease the transition from guy to dad.

Get involved early

Getting used to your role can start well before the baby is born. “Fathers who are involved in the prenatal process make the transition much more easily,” observes Neil Campbell, the founder and executive director of Dads Can, a London, Ont., organization that promotes involved fathering. Attending prenatal classes with your partner helps you understand what she’s going through during different stages of her pregnancy, and how the baby is developing. Lindsay Taylor, a Toronto father whose first child, Callum, was born in January, says he enjoyed attending prenatal yoga classes with his partner. “My Kegels are great now,” he jokes.

Campbell also advises expectant dads to accompany their partners to doctors’ appointments whenever possible. “And if a dad can attend the first ultrasound and see the baby moving, that can be the crowning moment.” English found the experience a powerful one. “That was amazing. When you hear that heartbeat for the first time, you realize this is actually happening. It crystallized the idea that my life was about to change.”

By the time the baby is born, Campbell says, a dad who was involved prenatally “doesn’t have to feel like he’s stepping into the frame. He’s already part of the picture.”

Reinforce that feeling in the days after the birth by holding your sleeping newborn whenever you get the chance. It’s an intimate and stress-free way to get to know him, and will quickly Take time off if you can

Unfortunately, business culture has lagged behind men’s aspirations of fatherhood. Although Canadian law now makes it easier for fathers to take paid leave, many men will tell you that taking more than a week or two is frowned upon by bosses and colleagues. “It is changing gradually,” says Andrea Doucet, an associate professor of sociology at Carleton University who has studied fatherhood for more than a decade, “but dads still say that work culture is a big issue. It really depends on what kind of boss you have and how many other men in the workplace have taken parental leave.”

New dads often feel a strong drive to be a provider, and that motivates them to work harder than ever. But if you can take time off during your baby’s first year, it can go a long way in helping you bond with your child and empathize with your partner. “What we hear from fathers who take parental leave is how much they realize the work involved in caring for a child,” says Doucet. “They just have such an appreciation for their partner.”

Dave Curcio took a month’s leave as his son, Gabriele, was approaching his first birthday. He came to understand just how much time daily routines take with a new baby in the house. “It may sound like you have 10 hours to sit and play games, or cuddle up in a rocking chair, but it’s not like that. By the time you wake up, have breakfast, get the baby changed and do that typical morning routine, it’s lunchtime.” The timing of Curcio’s leave turned out to be ideal for another reason: He was around for Gabriele’s first steps.

Be patient with yourself

When you started your last job, it probably took you months to feel comfortable in the new position. The same is true when you become a first-time father. “The bonding process will take time,” says Campbell.

Many of today’s first-time dads were raised by men who had quite different notions of fatherhood. The current generation of fathers wants to be much more hands-on, but they have to learn on the job. That means they’ll make mistakes along the way — and that’s OK.

The family dynamics involved in figuring out how to share baby care also take a whileto work through. As much as gender roles have evolved, in the first year after birth mothers still tend to be the primary parent, says Doucet. “That period really is more gender-divided than the rest of parenthood.” That’s not surprising: After all, a woman gives birth, breastfeeds, and spends more time with the baby if her partner is working. So while it’s important for men to be involved from the get-go, most fathers will play a supporting role at the beginning. “In that first six months to a year, it shouldn’t be about trying to make everything equal between men and women,” Doucet says. Learning how to support each other, building a strong family unit, and creating your own loving relationship will make you feel you belong together.

Make hands-on parenting a priority

Many of the jobs that new dads take on — getting the finances in order, painting the baby’s room, preparing meals — don’t involve the baby directly. Men should also look for hands-on opportunities with the tiny new addition to the household. “The more familiar you become with hands-on care, the more confident you’ll be,” says Campbell.

English, despite his early fears, was surprised just how quickly he became comfortable: It took only a week of helping with feeding, rocking and changing Pascale. “Being able to do some of the actual child care has really been helpful,” he says. “Now I feel ‘This is my baby and I know how to do this.’ All the fear has completely melted away.”

Even a trip around town (with a well-fed baby) can help. “Take the baby out in a carrier and just go to Canadian Tire,” Campbell suggests. Just make sure you pack what you need — including extra diapers — and give yourself extra time for your chores. Doucet observes that fathers often build their connection with a baby through play. While roughhousing with an infant isn’t appropriate, getting down on the floor together is fun for both baby and dad. As Campbell likes to say, “Moms give babies toys. Dads are the toys.”